Dee’s Space

I was an angry person for a very long time.

A bruised and unsightly bucket of deep deep anger that I nursed quietly. For decades. Angry at the insipidity of ineffectual love, angry at the forgetfulness of hurt that erases events but not their sting.

Then I became a Mom..

It took me a really long time to come to this awareness but I finally know now how Dad ached when he could not provide as he wished, when we had struggles and he couldn’t help. When we pained and he was the cause.

In his youth, he was hard, steely and violent. Our simple minds simultaneously loved and hated him. During the peak of my own violent coming of age, I was a seething teenager with an unbalanced sentimentality that would erupt in rebellious demonstrations of all sorts. The one thing I never did was screw my grades up. Why? Because I knew it was the only real hope I could give myself.

You broke me down utterly but I am re-invented bigger, stronger and better.

I know now how deeply you must ache today. For the years that lapsed and the time we spent in combat. For knowing that as we discover each other again today, so much has been lost.

But take heart. Because you have taught in us a fierce love Daddy. Deeply profound even for me to grasp but its possibility wells in my heart each time I see your smoke-stained grin meet Lucien’s toothless one. I think Life itself streams possibilities of renewal and resuscitation. Like how Lucien’s birth has made your pain mine, bringing our hearts together once again. That we may live again as Father and Daughter. Forever and Ever.